Debra Leaves the Zoo

I wish I could have taken a picture of you looking at the insects and the zebras, Debra. Now those precious moments are gone forever. Hopefully you remember them as you recount them to your friends and family, who will hang on to your every word as if you were a solo violinist on stage. Do you know that Debra + Zoo = Zebra? This is why I am glad that I had zebras, Debra. I will spend the rest of my life atoning for the fact that I do not have peacocks. Or it is possible I may not, since I know you will forgive me. You are so kind, Debra.

We knew this moment was coming. I paused to catch my breath, then braced myself as she walked through the gates. These were the large, elephantine gates that marked the entrance to my zoo. This is the one zoo that would haunt my dreams until the end of days, and it is all thanks to you, Debra. Thank you for sharing this beautiful experience with me. Do you know how it ended, Debra? You put one foot in front of the other, and you kept walking forward until you stopped and vanished into the parking lot.

No.

Debra Eats a Pretzel

That is the second pretzel you have eaten, Debra. Do you like pretzels? Do you like my zoo? I have over $20,000. That would buy you a lot of pretzels, even pretzel carts, each with their own unfeeling automaton guarding the merchandise inside. You are so much more than a program, Debra. You transcend the boundaries of electronic media just as you have destroyed and rebuilt all that I thought I knew about love.

Oh, my dear, I am so sorry, but that pretzel appears to be deflated. Are you carrying a bicycle pump? Of course you are. I know you are. If you had wanted to use it, you would have. Please forgive my transgressions and continue to eat in peace.

See the group of people behind you with snow leopard shirts? Do you want a snow leopard shirt? You would have to change in front of everything, Debra. The whole zoo. That is not something that someone like you could risk. However, no matter how much you change your appearance, I will always be able to find you. That is how special you are to me.

There is nothing to say here that cannot be described by centuries worth of poems about the glory of women. Can you believe we can capture it all in one picture? Thank you, Debra.

Debra Goes to the Bathroom

Unfortunately, the minutae of the human experience affect us all. I know this is an inconvenience, Debra, and I am sorry your feather-light feet had to walk even a single extra step than was needed. Right now I am kicking myself for not building a new bathroom next to where you stood. Just for you. Unused. Never to be used again.

Even more unfortunately, Debra, my in-game avatar has no need for such trivial human functions. I am also invisible and can fly. Does this make me a god? No, it does not even deem me worthy of you. Without form, how am I to even respond to your delicate motions in a way you would understand? Thus, even though I do possess the right genitalia to enter the same presumably gender-normative bathroom you do, I will never be able to follow you. Say, but it looks so dark in there. Are there spiders? Did you see a spider, Debra?

Debra exits the bathroom undaunted by spider attacks. She is so brave.

Debra Eats a Salad

Debra is getting more pleasure out of that salad than I will ever be able to give her, and that salad is closer to Debra than I will ever be. I do not feel pity for myself, but instead rejoice for Debra. What a happy day! I know a really good recipe for kale salad, Debra. I served it at a Thanksgiving dinner and people went back for second helpings. How happy would you be if you only knew? How happy could we be together, Debra?

I was surprised to see that your salad turned into garbage, Debra. It transformed right in your own hands. Doesn't it seem odd that such a perfect creature can produce waste? Perhaps it is not, Debra, as you can flush the bad from your personage, such that only the bright and beautiful and inspiring remains. This is how you are. This is you. No one can help but appreciate what you are, Debra.

Debra Drinks a Bottle of Water

Oh, Debra. You are so close to the zoo entrance, so close to leaving forever. Yet you have continued to honor me and the rest of the guests with your presence. That little boy, for example, is going to paint a mural over the side of his house because he has been so inspired by the joy he felt sitting next to you. Even though your presence in my realm is transient, its effects are felt like a cooling breeze on the skin after a long workout. When I'm through, Debra, the entire world will feel it too.

Do you enjoy the water, Debra? I made that water stand just for you. I researched and placed and built the water stand just for your benefit, whether I knew it or not. You have always been there and the water, the fluid that sustains all life, has also always been there. Do you believe in fate, Debra? I knew a creature such as you, whose body is the temple that all people believe their bodies to be, would not see fit to litter it with carbonation and sugar. Either that, or she is so sweet and bubbly that the water turns to soda on her tongue. You are such a smart woman, Debra.

A trash can and a recycling bin stand right next to each other. Which one will she choose for her recyclable item? If I know Debra, that choice has been made long ago.

You are such a caring person, Debra. I know you care for the earth and for its creatures, but you will never care for me the same way. I am undeserving of your piercingly beautiful gaze. At once your eyes are strict and forgiving, stubborn and empathetic. What does the E stand for, Debra? What is your middle name? I could have given you one, but I refuse to alter perfection, Debra. (It would have been Everything because you are everything to me.)

I tried to dig the water bottle that her lips had touched out of the recycling bin, but the game wouldn't let me. Curse you, limits of game mechanics! Curse you, cruel heavens!

Debra Watches the Lemurs

After she had unlocked the inner mysteries of the camel, Debra glided over to the lemur exhibit, as if four cherubs had suspended her on a cloud. The beginning of a smile was visible on her face. I paused the game to take a moment to breathe. Unfortunately, all this did was freeze her in her transition to bliss, which had the effect of both warming my body temperature and causing me to feel guilt from delaying her eventual happiness. I don't know if words or phrases or combinations of the two can even describe the feelings I have for you, Debra.

Do you like the lemurs, Debra? I would buy you peacocks but we aren't allowed to buy any animals in this campaign. If I could buy you peacocks, Debra, I would be broke and you would be lying contentedly on a bed of colorful plumage. Lemurs are a popular exhibit, most people like to watch them shuffle around with their tails upright like the unholy cross between a scorpion, a squirrel and the sides of a Sephora makeup bag. I only ask because I know you, Debra, and you aren't like most people. However, I also know you are not the type to judge rashly. You can not only see the light at the end of the tunnel, you are the light at the end of the tunnel.

Oh Debra, you would make a far more fascinating exhibit than those commonplace lemurs. How many ring-tailed lemurs are there, anyway? Over ten thousand? In contrast, there is only one Debra, who is possibly one of the rarest endangered species in the world. It would be foolish to try and contain her, though; one cannot capture a Debra. Not in spirit, not in form. Surely the tides would stop if one attempted to ensnare this rare and mysterious creature.

Look, Debra, here I am, performing the duties of a zookeeper. I own the zoo, I run the zoo, and I can do every job in the zoo, from cleaning up poo to taking out the trash. Is your boyfriend a zookeeper? I only ask because I see you talking on your phone, but for only three seconds at a time. If your conversations are that short, then it can't be going too well, can it, Debra? I bet he doesn't even like the zoo. He didn't accompany you, did he? Do you feel like no one understands you, Debra? I do. Look around you, Debra. I own it. All of it. I could give you the entire zoo. All of those mysteries and wonders and fantasies that nature has to offer. I could give them to you, Debra, and I would still be in your debt.

Debra E. Reigle

Her name was Debra E. Reigle.

I didn't know why her parents decided to delete three letters from her first name, but I did understand her last name. Reigle. Regal. She was a queen among peasants, a duchess among commoners. And the moment she walked into my zoo, I remembered why one would set aside a plot of land simply to appreciate the beauty of nature.

Debra was a special girl. Her favorite animal was the peacock, one of the smallest and least impressive animals in the game, and that spoke volumes about her personality. She was subtle and understated, the type that flirted by drawing her skirts about her ankle and knew the names of Baroque composers. She had hair that flowed like melted dark chocolate and a hand that could penetrate chain-link fence. Presumably she wore glasses only because the sparkle in her eyes could fell a grown man. Unfortunately, that awful bitch behind her showed up in the same outfit and then made a presumably vulgar right-angled arm gesture at poor Debra. What does that mean? Is she calling Debra a square? God, I hate that bitch.

 Debra took a special interest in pondering the nature of the camels. Uninterested in her surroundings, even the whore who stole her outfit idea, she went into a trance that has been unmatched by even the most dedicated of computer programmers working slightly drunk at 4 AM. She embraced them with their eyes, bathing the desert beasts in a warm glow of sunlight the likes of which we will never know. I wish she could look at me the way she looked at those camels. Unfortunately, I was no more visible than the normal microbiota that presumably covered her virtual arms. Her pixel-perfect virtual arms.

What? I'm not made of granite.